Life Cycle Events / Services: Jewish Wedding Ceremonies
Genesis Midrash Rabba, Vol. Two, Vaytetze 68:4 (Soncino Press, New York 1983).She [the Roman matron] asked R. Jose, ‘In how many days did the Holy One, blessed be He, create the world?’
‘In six days,’ he [Rabbi Jose] answered.
‘Then what has He been doing since then?,’
‘He sits and makes matches’ [responded R. Jose] ‘assigning this man to that woman, and this woman to that man,’
‘If that is difficult’ she gibed. ‘I too can do the same.’ She went and matched [her slaves], giving this man to that woman, this woman to that man and so on. Sometime after those who were thus united went and beat one another, this woman saying, ‘I do not want this man,’ while this man protested, ‘I do not want that woman.’
Straightaway she summoned R. Jose b. Halafta and admitted to him “There is no god like your God: it is true, your Torah is indeed beautiful and praiseworthy, and you spoke the truth!
I believe this text above from Genesis Rabbah can be used as a metaphor to better understand that the union of two distinct souls in marriage is a both a Divine endeavor and a profoundly human endeavor that requires tremendous compassion, effort, patience, humor and service to the other.
The union of two distinct souls in marriage is profound indeed on many levels, including the spiritual and practical:
On a spiritual level, our mystical teachings explain that the soul is one entity in the spiritual realm before coming down to this physical realm where the soul is split into two bodies, and when the soul finds and unites with its destined one (bashert) it becomes one entity again.
On a very practical level, as a local community rabbi, I enjoy meeting with the couple for several sessions before the wedding ceremony and help couples navigate their unique Jewish journey. I understand that every couple has unique circumstances and I hope to meet with you to learn more about your particular circumstances and needs. I am pleased to help serve couples committed to their Jewish journey, including couples from the LGBTQ community, couples navigating religious diversity and multiculturalism, and/or couples re-discovering their Jewish heritage. During these pre-marital sessions we cover a wide range of topics, including how the couple met, some of their interpersonal/family dynamics, as well as possible meaningful ways tailor to help make Judaism relevant in the home the couple plans to build together. Here are some of the questions we discuss together during our first meeting:
- How did the two of you meet?
- What was it about your partner that made you fall in love with him/her?
- What does the word “love” mean to each of you?
- How would you describe your partner in one word?
- Why did you decide to marry? Will being married significantly change your relationship.
- Do you feel that you communicate openly with your partner? Was there ever a time when you felt that you could not express yourself fully?
- What is a dream that each one of you have, both individually (personal and/or professionally) and as a couple?
- How do you settle disagreements? Have you ever discussed healthier ways to disagree?
- How do you make up after a disagreement?
- Have you been screened for Jewish genetic diseases?
- How many checking/savings accounts will you have after the wedding?
- How much can you spend without consulting the other?
- Have you discussed whether or not you want children? If you do, have you talked about the number of children?
- Do you feel a need at times to be alone? How do you handle alone time?
- How do you plan to make your home a Jewish home?
- What causes your partner anxiety or pain?
- What is your favorite hobby?
- How have you demonstrated compassion towards the other?
- How have you demonstrated patience towards the other?
- How have you shared/cultivated your sense of humor with each other?
I share during these pre-wedding sessions some mussar character development traits or middot (measures) that are important in any relationship, and especially marriage, such as the power of speech, kindness, silence and expressing gratitude to the other.
On the wedding day, it is mitzvah (commandment) for the guests to make the bridge and groom happy. I enjoy helping to fulfill this mitzvah and inspiring others to do the same by giving my very best to make the bride and groom happy on their wedding day, and imbue the day with meaning both from our vast tradition and from the fact that I have gotten to the know the couple from our meetings leading up to the special wedding day. Finally, I believe that it is important to build a relationship with the couple that hopefully continues beyond the wedding day, listening to their needs and connecting the couple with other resources, Jewish and secular, depending upon their circumstances.
I look forward to hopefully meeting with you and mazel tov!
Contact Rabbi Friedman at 732-844-3465